Well Hot Diggity!

I'm stick sick. Can't move without my nose dripping and i've constantly got tissues shoved up my nostrils. I have to coz it drips without warning! John took the above picture last night. Don't i look lovely? lol
I have to drag myself off the couch tomorrow for a job interview, and there's a very good chance that they could get me to start the next day. So i'll have to do my best to fake being well [I wonder if they'll notice the tissues if i plugged them up there REAL good! lol]

I weighed i today with a loss of 1.9 kilos [4.1lbs] Pretty good for a week where i've barely moved!

Meh

Hey. Remember me? For the third time this winter, i have the flu. The knock-you-on-your-ass kinda flu. Everyone we know is repeatedly getting sick this year, it's horrible. Jason has been home most of the week. Rose was home half of last week/this week. And John has just worked 5 night shifts,12 hour shifts [He's the man!!] with the last two, feeling like death warmed up. If they hadn't of been well paid overtime he was working, he would have been home in bed for sure! Luckily he didn't have much to do.
So i'm not bothering too much with blogging at the moment, or anything else that requires being vertical for more than 5 mins. Blah

Yea Well

This is what poor, patient John's had to deal with all week - me going on and on about how hard done by i am! And like a good husband, he sympathised and listened to me babble on.
I realise that sometimes there are just no answers that make sense. That's just part of life. But i don't have to like it all the time.

So i had my week of treating my body like utter shit and now i'm back to reality. I'm just going to do the best i can each week to live healthy, and if that's not good enough for the scales, too bad. I'll start measuring myself too.

I weighed in today even though i didn't want to and i was EXTREEMLY surprised to have lost 2 kilos [about 4lbs]!! I'm still not sure what to think of that, considering the week i've had!

F#%K! ...Cont

I've absolutely & completely stuffed it, dam it!! :o(

I'm really quite depressed about that 3 kilo gain and i'm not recovering from it AT ALL. I'm annoyed, angry and very put out!

I weigh 180 kilos 0r 400lbs. Should be fairly easy to drop weight IF i do some right things...right?

Let me explain my dietary habits to you: 6 years ago i weighed 175 kilos and i joined Weight Watchers and lost 30 kilos [60lbs] practically over night because for the first time ever, i started using low fat/salt/sugar products.

But then i developed my nasty drinking habit almost over night too. I had a falling out with my WW leader [who is a complete knob, long story] and left WW. Comforted by my new found best friend [Jim Beam], i slowly gained that 30 kilos+ back again.

I still tried to lose weight, while drinking, and probably lost and gained back 100 kilos over the past 3-4 years of blogging. I ate/eat the lowest fat/GI everything that goes into my gob. I eat the healthiest stuff and make mostly great choices. [very] occasionally i have a Quarter Pounder from Maccas, an iced finger bun from the local bakery or a works burger from KFC, but overall my diet is great. My family constantly whine about how much "green stuff" and "seedy stuff" i make them eat. Even my dietitian has no problems with what i eat, overall.I exercise 3+ times per week and i'm very conscious about making healthy choices in life.

Then 70+ days ago i gave up the booze properly, thinking the weight would fall off without it.

But noooooooooo.

Last week i gained 3 kilos because i drank too much Pepsi Max. I might have accepted that logic, for a day or two. But then i thought about it and got the shits....

I weigh 400lbs and i gain 6lbs because of DIET Pepsi one week??? That doesn't make much sense. With what i eat, even though i'm not getting the water, i should still be dropping weight, some weight, not GAINING 3 kilos!!! How many people who weigh that much and exercise & eat mostly awesomely retain weight? I know people who weigh much less than me at the same height, don't exercise at all and eat like shit. Then one week they are surprised that they lose weight. So am i and i just want to punch them in the face!

It seems to me that my body has become desensitised to weight loss. That my lifestyle has to be one extreme or the other. So i have to practically become a body builder overnight in order to see some real changes. What happened to baby steps? Apparently i missed that boat!

I've been blogging my weight loss journey for 3-4 years and i'm fatter than when i first started, yet my lifestyle is soooo completely different!

I'm annoyed...VERY annoyed

Here i am right now. Very annoyed, sulking, and showing off my lovely chin collection!

I feel quite hard done by. So what did i do to completely balls things up? I ate M'n'Ms, drank BOOZE and nibbled on whatever i felt like in between [which wasn't much really] I have the worst case of "fuck it!" that i've ever had. I feel like a constant failure and there is nothing that will make me feel better other than losing the weight [that sure as heck wont happen THIS week!]I'm not prepared to become a body builder/marathon runner over night. My dietitian can't even explain why i'm not losing weight. John is always surprised that i don't lose weight. I just don't get it...i really dont. People have asked why i don't just go for a lap band surgery as i'd be a perfect candidate [being so incredibly fat & useless!] but i don't want to have surgery. I want to do the hard yard. I really do believe that once we conquer the head stuff, the rest will follow. But apparently the head stuff is the hardest part of all!

Poor Pepsi

Yesterday i was absolutely devistated to weigh in with a gain of 3 kilos. [6lb] I hadn't done anything to deserve that. I exercised, ate ok. I'm not drinking, eating crap. Admitedly i wasn't doing the do with much enthusiasm, but at the very least, i should have platued. 3 kilos is a seriously large amount to gain for 'no good reason'! I got really discouraged and just wanted to cry. I came home and sulked [and cried a bit] all night.
Then this morning i saw my dietitian and pouted to her. After looking at my diet, we noticed that my intake of Pepsi Max [my one and only vice i have left!] is progressivly going up to nearly 2 litres a day [4 pints/half a gallon]. She said 1 or 2 cans [375ml] a day is the most we should have. Pepsi Max has more caffiene in it than ANY other beverage and 2 ltrs a day would be doing me damage.
I'm also not drinking any pure water at all. Zip, zero, nil. And apparently fat needs water to break it down other wise it can't shift.
So i didn't actualy gain 3 kilos this week.
I've retained way too much fluid with the caffiene in the Pepsi.
The fat has had nothing to help it shift.
She said to buy cans so i can monitor what i drink easier.
And if i do what she told me to do, that 3 kilos [+] should just fall off next week.
She wants me to stop weighing in and measure myself instead. But i don't know if i can do that. And apparently i can't enjoy any consumable vices! I spose i could always start smoking again lol...meh
What a crap 24 hours! except when John let me put my head in his lap while we watched The day the earth stood still, and he stroked my hair. That was lovely. Ok, so the last 24 hours wasn't ALL crap :o)

Pulling Those Socks Up

I've taken my eyes off the mark a bit. I'm not deliberately self sabotaging. I'm eating ok, but too much of what i'm eating. I'm walking, but not really putting too much effort into it, y'know? It's probably just because i don't feel so good, kinda blah with everything, body and mind. But even though i'm not really putting effort in, i have no desire to binge or eat [much] crappy stuff [except that booze], i just don't give a shit either way.
We went to some friends place for dinner tonight and they served up an awesome spread of everything i loved! I ate everything that was dished up to me and didn't think twice about it at the time. But on the 10 minute drive home i thought about it and realised that this motivational plateau could get out of hand really badly, really fast! I better get my focus back on the goal though, weather i care or not!

*

(I'm really glad that ticker says 67 instead of 1 :o)

Resistance

I've felt a bit out of sorts over the last two days. At first i thought i was just unreasonably sad about Micheal Jackson dieing :o( But then my body started feeling blah as well as my head. I slept all afternoon on the couch, then went to bed early last night.
I felt pretty good this morning. As i hadn't exercised for most of the week, i was planning on going to work early so i could park and go for a walk again. Then i got side tracked by some garage sales on the way [I'm looking for a little exercise trampoline] and then when i parked and figured i could still squeeze a quick walk in, i kept bumping into people i knew, who wanted to chat. So the walk wasn't worth it anyway. Then this afternoon i started feeling blah again. I need a BIG plate of veges i think!

*

I really want a drink. I had to go out to pick Rose up from somewhere before. And if i hadn't of previously banned myself in writing from the local bottle shop, i would have got some i swear!
I came home and suggested that John go and get me some, but he analysed my reasoning to death and i just got the shits & said not to worry about it. So i'm not drinking. But i still want some just as bad! I don't know why or what bought it on. I just know i want it like a spoilt brat wants something.

Now i'm going to cook a late dinner...in relative silence :o/